Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Because, in the end, we really are all alone

I've gone through some major, unvoluntarily changes in my life this past month and a half. Things that could probably kill most, and severly break down all the others.

Am I okay? No. Not at all.

Will I get through it? Probably. But I am tired as fuck hearing from everyone that I will be. I wasn't aware that everyone was a fortune teller.

I'm not dealing with my situation well, can't you tell? So what am I going to do? I've decided to write. I'll write out my feelings, because at least someone will listen to me here.

I've had everything ripped from me in such a short period of time. I'm so lost. I was used to having a plan and knowing where I would be in a year, even two years. Now? That isn't so much the case. I don't even know where I will be in a month, and it scares the shit out of me.
I keep trying to tell myself that I still have my education, but I don't even know if that is the case. School is so damn expensive, and to do it completely alone makes it that much worse. It makes me sad and envious to see so many students with a huge support system for simple, ridiculous programs such as administrative assistants; whereas, in my case, I have little to no support and I am doing the macdaddy of all: becoming a dentist. Believe me, I have considered giving up, and I am still considering it. People have told me that it is foolish to persue such a demanding program with no support.

I'm just lost.

I've been torn from all my friends and my college. I've been torn from my home and all the security I had. I'm now living in my dead end hometown. How anyone would voluntarily live here is beyond me. This town has nothing to offer. It solely relies on the forestry industry. Any place that relies on such a resource is doomed to fail. I mean, trees can only grow back so fast.
It doesn't help either, that everyone my age here has already had at least one kid; married or not (although nine times out of ten it is not). I feel so advanced from everyone else here. I am so much more than these people here.

Am I cocky and inconsiderate? I don't care. I really don't. Anyone that would settle for a life in this town isn't worthy of a status, as far as I am concerned. And this hostility does not just stem from my recent circumstances. I've always felt this way. When I was 16, I used to dream of leaving this town. So, now to be back, is almost like suicide. Probably worse.

My situation has been particularly hard because I have no one to talk to. No one seems to understand or get what I am going through. It's like everyone is so oblivious to their own happy lives that they forget that there is hurt and sadness going on in other lives. I try to talk to people. I really do. But I am often ignored or told that I need to occupy myself. Well, no shit, Sherlock.
My answer is always the same when I am greeted by this ignorant statement: what do they propose I do? I live in a town that if you blink while driving through, you miss it. Where the official meeting place is Tim Horton's. Where westernized Chinese food is considered "exotic." Pathetic, I know.
It's like people forget that I lived in a city for three years. A city that offered everything. I had my choice of doctors and grocery stores. A city where there was everything in the world to do, see and eat. To go from that lavish lifestyle to this, is like a slap in the face.

Am I feeling sorry for myself like my sister thinks? No, because given my situation, I think I am doing pretty damn good. And if you think I am, I have something to say to you. Fuck you. Yes, you heard me. Fuck you.